Fear being Near.

 It's not as if I have lost my mind. Quite the contrary. My spirit has had a rebirth since I set down that bottle of poison never to touch my lips again. That bottle was my prison holding my spirit hostage. Ever wonder why they call alcohol spirits? Because it takes your good ones and leaves bad ones in their place.

My entire existence does not revolve around sobriety so rest easy. I never wanted to be that type of person in recovery. I kind of hate talking about it in terms of something to be so proud of. I am proud, for many reason obvious and many personal. The main problem wasn't even the alcohol. It was me. I allowed myself to consume a steady diet of fear. 

Fear of what exactly? Judgements from strangers and friends alike. Fear so strong that I would never be good enough I actually began to believe it. I laid down to die. and inside I did. All I had was the drink.

Now that a drink sounds god awful to me, I am left here with all of these feelings zipping around inside of my person and it is uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable because I was never taught how to deal with my emotions. I wasn't told one way or another how to process things and apply it in the future. I had to learn everything on my own as it came. I deemed it too hard and gave up.

On this side of things I am feeling all sorts of things and just taking my time to sort through them all and that is how I came to understand that my soul isn't being nourished properly. I am craving a spiritual connection. I want to share how I am growing and changing with another and I have no one in my life able to give me that.

So I write. I walk. I work. I work out. I sing. I dance about the house. I listen to music. I make art about things i miss and so desperately want to revisit. I want to prove something and i dont know how to prove it or to who.

i want to fly close to the sun but just enough to get a tan. I'm not tryna get a sunburn. For the love of god I just need something I don't know how to manifest for myself. I accept I cannot do this on my own. I accept my desire to connect but respect the tried and true boundaries. I do not want to be numb anymore.

I want someone to feel with. No one else feels with me the way I crave. It's up to me to figure out what to do about that. And I know the spirits will guide me. I release myself into the wind to take flight.