Sometimes I get the familiar urge to pick up the phone. Then I'm not sure if you even answer phone calls these days. I would text or message you but I am always afraid I will be imposing. Or I may come off as insane as I fear I may be sometimes.

It got into me a little to early I suppose. That burst of fireworks happens often but once. As I have seen a show a time or two since, nothing was as bright. 

No other being ever touched me the way you did. And I know you know it. It's been there for 15 years and it never fails to prove itself. Time, and time again.

Do you feel it still? Ever see a hawk in the sky and think of my mom watching over you. I know it has to make you think of me. 

Even if for a brief moment do you ever wonder what could have been if circumstances weren't what they were when we met? 

I have so much to tell you. Things you would understand and not take as a masked insult. You understand my drive to lose weight. To get sober. To prove myself. You get it, because you want that. I think I could help you. 

I care about you're heart. Your mental health. I want to know you can be whomever you set out to be. Just look at what I have done. All with you in the back of my mind. I just miss the way we would connect and reconnect after a separation of years and it is always where we left it. 

That's why I know I'm not actually insane. I just hope wherever you may be that you know. It never goes away I just pack it up in the boxes where other things go when they hurt. Only I want to let that go. and if ever we meet I want to apologize for all the growing I did at your expense. 

I know you are not at fault for everything wrong with me. Something others use to play victim. I never did. I never would. because I was immature. I handled things wrong. I let my pride dictate my actions. 

Something tells me we will meet again soon. and all I have written here will be unspoken. It will blow away in the summer breeze as it has so many summers before. Only now we will know we have something between our otherness that refuses to let us break the cycle completely. 

And if I'm wrong, I can't blame it on the alcohol this time. Just the mind of a story teller with too much time on her hands and a story to tell ....

Fear being Near.

 It's not as if I have lost my mind. Quite the contrary. My spirit has had a rebirth since I set down that bottle of poison never to touch my lips again. That bottle was my prison holding my spirit hostage. Ever wonder why they call alcohol spirits? Because it takes your good ones and leaves bad ones in their place.

My entire existence does not revolve around sobriety so rest easy. I never wanted to be that type of person in recovery. I kind of hate talking about it in terms of something to be so proud of. I am proud, for many reason obvious and many personal. The main problem wasn't even the alcohol. It was me. I allowed myself to consume a steady diet of fear. 

Fear of what exactly? Judgements from strangers and friends alike. Fear so strong that I would never be good enough I actually began to believe it. I laid down to die. and inside I did. All I had was the drink.

Now that a drink sounds god awful to me, I am left here with all of these feelings zipping around inside of my person and it is uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable because I was never taught how to deal with my emotions. I wasn't told one way or another how to process things and apply it in the future. I had to learn everything on my own as it came. I deemed it too hard and gave up.

On this side of things I am feeling all sorts of things and just taking my time to sort through them all and that is how I came to understand that my soul isn't being nourished properly. I am craving a spiritual connection. I want to share how I am growing and changing with another and I have no one in my life able to give me that.

So I write. I walk. I work. I work out. I sing. I dance about the house. I listen to music. I make art about things i miss and so desperately want to revisit. I want to prove something and i dont know how to prove it or to who.

i want to fly close to the sun but just enough to get a tan. I'm not tryna get a sunburn. For the love of god I just need something I don't know how to manifest for myself. I accept I cannot do this on my own. I accept my desire to connect but respect the tried and true boundaries. I do not want to be numb anymore.

I want someone to feel with. No one else feels with me the way I crave. It's up to me to figure out what to do about that. And I know the spirits will guide me. I release myself into the wind to take flight. 

 Pirates

 

I throw myself, throw it away.

You dance on my pieces.

Drunk on my tears.

 

I Swallow sunken ships.

Curse these swollen lips.

Cracked and chapped.

 

You walk on my pieces.

Singing in my tears.

 

I swim the desert land.

Map in hand.

Bruised and bloody.

 

Drips and sips from leaves.

Shady trees.

It comes, you go. .

 

Put me down, pick me up.

Changed your mind.

Again? poor me, lost at sea.

You, Walking over me.

 

I build it up.

You tear me down.

And throw it all way.

Over and out at sea

Walking all over me